Sunday Musings

Good morning all!

Sunday is my favorite day of the week. It's something sacred and wonderful about Sunday and I am not sure why but it just my favorite day.  I can remember running around the house as a child (and as an adult) to get ready for church (which was never a favorite for me - it was always a production).  My Mother would put my Father's clothes out for him, inspect what I had on, make breakfast, clean up, get dressed, do hair and make a mad dash to the car for an hour and a half worth of "preaching."  Sunday is the day before Monday and Monday means back to work for most of us so why would this be my favorite day?  I have no clue.

This Sunday stands out for me because it is Father's day.  My Father has been in spirit form for 17 years yet it seems just like yesterday to me.  My Father is a truly wonderful, gentle man (and yes I used present tense because he is always with me) and I love him.  So, Dad, wherever your Spirit form is - I love you and miss you!  Happy Father's Day to my Father!  And a very Happy Father's Day to all the Fathers out there.  Don't underestimate your worth and power.  If your children don't tell you they love you for awhile or if they utter that dreadful "I hate you" - keep loving them...they need you and you need them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WFQVgyNNE0 I just LOVE this version.  I adore Lionel Ritchie!  Even though this song is about leaving - it is just so peaceful and beautiful.  This man's voice is amazing.  Here is a longer version (although not the version with Wille Nelson) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waV741V1MHY

Perhaps I love Sunday because biblical it is the day of rest and I honor that and myself.  Sunday is often a day of reflection for me - how did my week go, what does my upcoming week look like, what did I accomplish, what lessons did I learn?

During my adult years, Sundays have always had a nice, slow and relaxing routine for me.  I make sure that there is absolutely NOTHING I have to do on Sunday.  When my Daughter was an infant, Sunday morning was grocery store shopping.  I'd get her dressed we'd head to the grocery store.  That was my peace, my meditation and my time to connect to with her.  I always feel like Sunday is the ultimate relaxation day because everything mandatory has been done.  Sunday - is about me!   I can bake (which is what I am doing now), meditate, walk, relax, sleep late, sip coffee on the porch and rejuvenate.

I do believe in God but I don't frequently go to church, but I spent everyday in some form of worship - I don't have to set aside one day to praise, pray or recognize my Higher Power.

For the most part, I am alone.  My best friend in the entire world is home about once a month, so my routines are not set in stone - sometimes we attend church, sometimes we walk, sometimes I walk, sometimes I stay in bed all day, sometime we go to brunch, you get it.

I try to focus on my fledgling blog on Sunday too.  I have a chance to catch-up on any blogs I didn't have time to read earlier in the week and to just surf the Internet. This is the ultimate indulgence!

I am going to grab another cup of coffee and finish the pumpernickel bread and sit quietly with my thoughts until I feel the urge to do something else.

I leave you with this...The Secret of Life is enjoying the passage of time." - Enjoy your Sunday!

Self Care

I spent last night nourishing my inner Diva and watching chick flicks. I wanted to...no needed to feel girly, sexy, seductive, glamorous and pampered.  I believe in pampering.  I believe in taking care of myself but I notice that I neglect the most important part of me - the spiritual part. 

It has become so easy to allow myself to get bogged down in the unglamorous day to day that I not only appear frumpy, I feel frumpy.  Is this because we look to the external to make us feel a certain way?  In the immortal words of Billy Crystal (portraying Fernando Lamas) "It is better to look good than to feel good."  If you are too young to remember this SNL skit - look it up on Hulu or YouTube - it's hilarious.  To a certain extent I do believe that looking our best helps us feel our best.  It's just that we have taken this concept too far.  We doll up the outside and have an inside that looks like a monster and we feel that is okay.  We think we can fake it.  Yes, most of us do fake it, but there are enlightened beings that realize - I look marvelous yet I feel awful.  I was that person and if not careful I can still be that person.  Life does NOT have to be unglamorous.  You should feel and be glamorous whether you are baking sticky buns, having a mani and pedi, sipping coffee or knee deep in the hoopla of the day.  Glamour comes from within.  It has nothing to do with what you have on or whether your makeup is impeccable.  It has everything to do with how you feel!

I have worn the most expensive of items, have purchased the top of the line of everything and I kept purchasing.  I was looking for the next best feeling.  I always managed to find it but I always kept looking for bigger, better, faster...this quest became endless and I was still empty.

Recently (within the past two years), my focus and reality shifted.  I pared down the physical - lost weight.  I donated, sold, freecycled many of my possessions and started paying attention to what the hungry spiritual part of me needed (not wanted) and things fell into place.

The key is REMEMBERING!  Remember who you are.  Remember your purpose.  Remember why you are here.  Remember to nourish your body, mind and soul.  Remember that your outward appearance is not who you are.  Remember to allow the beautiful, magnificent inner light to shine for all to see.  Regardless of what you have been through, what you have or have not done or what others have told you...let that light of beauty shine.

Do whatever it takes to nourish your inner Diva - take time for you.  I recommend morning and evening long, slow and relaxing meditations and short meditations throughout your day.  This keeps the glamour going.

Try this one on for size, my beautiful spirited friends:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D56tUOdpgts

Control

I am a member of several yahoo groups and one of my favorites is the group on the Law of Attraction.  We are a fun group of great people that encourage each other.  Today's message (that was sent to the Group) was A Secret Scrolls message from Rhonda Byrne, Creator of The Secret.  Here it is:

From The Secret Daily Teachings

Isn't it great to know that you cannot control your world from the outside? To try and control things on the outside feels impossible because it would take so much work, and in fact it is impossible according to the law of attraction.

To change your world all you have to do is manage your thoughts and feelings on the inside of you, and then your whole world changes.

May the joy be with you,

Rhonda Byrne

This is another good one. Control! I am a self confessed control freak. Even amidst the chaos and fear - I fearlessly try to control EVERYTHING!

I hate not being in control yet I am smart enough to know that control is an illusion.  Okay already. 

I am a control freak - in the worst sense. I am addicted to control.  This is yet another facet of growing up in an alcoholic home.  You can't control anything so you try to control everything.  I am especially good at controlling things I cannot control. The lives of others, the emotions of others, the desires of others, the amount of time I'm given, what people think of me and the list goes on.  I try and control...control.

Once I had the opportunity to sit back and really look at things, I knew I had to relinquish control.  No, I haven't totally mastered this but I am trying.

What is your addiction of choice?  We all have them - be it control, fear, eating, shopping, worry...

Take some time today to get to know you and how you "attempt" to control your life or the lives of others.

Namaste!

Know it all

For years I’ve lived in the shadow of needing to know.   I had to know everything about everybody.  I had to know everything about every subject.  As you can imagine, I was exhausted.  I needed to know every nuance, every minute detail, every piece of information must come through me or be known by me.  Woe unto me for not knowing something.  If I didn’t know something this meant two things:  1.  A surprise attack – someone could spring something on me without my knowledge and 2. I was inadequate.  I spent the need to know years in turmoil and in fear of being found out.  Not being smart enough.  Not knowing enough.

Number 1 taught me a very valuable lesson.  I worked for a major corporation for over seven years.  I was good at my job but wasn’t “popular”.  I was pleasant to work with, friendly and fun and I always got the job done.  I attended the company functions and knew all the employees at our location.  I was well liked by many and I played the corporate game.  There was one gentleman, Dave Ullman, who didn’t care for me.  He thought I wasn’t qualified for the position I held and he felt I had too much authority.  My manager, the VP, traveled frequently and relied on me to keep our office going.  My position, at one time, was held by Dave, before he left the company.  My VP and I talked several times during the day and he trusted me.  He had every right to trust me.  I worked my way up from receptionist to this position.  I made lateral moves and upward moves making sure to never burn bridges.  I was happy.  I knew my job and I was good at it.

I cannot begin to express the devastation I experienced one Friday as I sat in my office and Dave came in, shut the door and announced that I was being laid off.  I was in shock!  I didn’t see that coming.  I felt betrayed, I felt slighted, I felt this decision had been made in an unethical and unfair manner and I was hurt.  I was a single parent of a six year old what was I going to do?  She depended on me.  How would I manage?  How could you do this to me.  I was young and resilient.  While I didn't like the decision or  understand the decision - I didn't stay down for long.  I spent a long time questioning why I was laid off.  I spent a long time wondering about the fairness of life.

Let me assure you that the months ahead were fantastic.  I accomplished more in the time I was laid off than I had ever done and I seemed to have more money than imaginable.  I reflect back on that time and can smile.  My nephew (who was married to my middle niece) and I were good friends and when I confided in him, he stood up, looked me in the eyes and said “For Chrissake, how many clues did you need that it was time for you to move on?”  I sat there stunned.  A man, five years younger than me, who had no belief system spoke words of truth.  I still play those exact words to this day.

There have been many layoffs (especially in my field) and I can’t say that I don't feel pain when it happens because I do.  I can't say that I always handle the situation well.  I would love to say that I instinctively know that I will be okay but I don’t.  It takes time for me wrap my head around it.  There have always been fields of opportunity for me after layoffs, there has always been great growth and joy but as with anything – it is hard to see when you are in the midst of it all.  I have learned that there is always a blessing in everything – regardless of what it looks like or what you think.  There is always a bright side.

Are you faced with a “layoff”?  It doesn’t have to be employment.  It can be any situation of familiarity that is changing.  How is your current belief serving you during this layoff?  Most of the time our current belief system does not hold us.  That’s okay.  We tend to like tried and true and safe.  Sometimes we have to break out of the ordinary in order for the extraordinary to manifest.  Take a couple of deep breaths and then trust the process.  Trust yourself and trust that your Higher Power is working it out – because He is.  No doubt about that!

Fear

Oh my!  FEAR!  This is something I am intimately familiar with.  Many years ago, I enlisted the helpful of a wonderful life coach, Vedam Clementi.  I have known Vedam for years.  We used to attend his meditation center and services.  I was seeing a traditional counselor and just felt like I needed more (whatever that meant).  I talked to Vedam and made my appointment.  He had a questionnaire I needed to complete and I meticulously took my time to ensure I had all the "right" answers - after all, I didn't want him to think I was crazy!  I answered the last question this way "I am afraid of almost everything."  As we talked he said "This is a good answer"  and he pointed out that there are no absolutes.  I wasn't afraid of EVERYTHING.  I laughed at how Source/Spirit/God pulled this out of me even when I was trying to be "correct."

I've battled fear my entire life - afraid of butterflies, afraid of thunderstorms, afraid of lightening, afraid of the dark, afraid of ghosts, afraid of authority, afraid of too much sun, afraid of big trucks, afraid of people, afraid of what if, afraid of being wrong, afraid of being right...you get it.  I carried this with me into adulthood and developed even more fears.  Even with all these fears I still managed to function.  As I look back in retrospect - that is all I was doing...functioning.  I possessed no joy, no passion, no love, no desire...nothing.  I was the walking wounded..the walking dead.  All I could feel was fear.

My fear involved more than just physical fear - it was emotional (fear of commitment, fear of feeling, fear of loving), spiritual (fear that God would punish me, fear that God's wrath would encompass me and punish me for something I did or didn't do), mentally (fear of illness, fear of remembering, fear of forgetting).  I was paralyzed...now I functioned but it was all driven by fear.

I never really tried to figure out why I was so afraid until recently.  I started looking back at family and trying to analyze - my Mother who portrayed herself as a strong woman, my Father who was passive and kind, my Grandmother who had NO fear and my Grandfather who was strong and silent.

Many people say we chose our experiences and I wonder why I chose fear.  I plan on delving into figuring out why so much fear.

My Mother seems to be the most motivating thing I can come up with as far as wanting to know who I am.  I always viewed my Mother as strong.  She always appeared to take control and move forward.  It wasn't until several years ago that I realized her motivation was fear.  She was afraid if she didn't do it - it wouldn't get done.  She was afraid of what others thought.  Clearly - she was frightened.  Last year my friend and I were having dinner with my Mother and I proudly announced that my Mother had a minor in French.  I am sure you are thinking "so what?"  Well, my Mother is 85!  What black woman had a minor in French back then?  My best friend stopped in his tracks and said "so, what happened?"  I sat there dazed and my Mother made an excuse.  He then responded "Ma'am, no one minors in French and doesn't want to travel and explore the world."  My Mother stammered and I wondered.  What did my Mother really want to do?  What stopped her?  What happened?  My guess is a case of the fears.  It opened a whole new world to me.  I have yet to ask her what this is about but I surmise, my Mother is like me.  She will say that the minor was just something to do or that she doesn't know why or she may chose to ignore me - as she often does when the questions become to hard for her handle.

Fear is also one of my addictions and we will explore that in the coming weeks.

Addiction

In this journey of self discovery, I am learning to not place as many labels on things as I used too.  I was and am good at labeling.  Matter of fact, it used to be a game for me. As I was labeling other people, I was ignoring my own labels and issues.  As always, it is easier to point out the speck in someone else's eye and not notice the beam in yours.

As I continue to travel and assess myself, I am not always happy with what I see in myself but at least I see it.

I was invited to attend a military ball.  This was going to be my first ball and I wanted things to be perfect (okay...mistake 1).  I found the "perfect" dress.  I found the "perfect" shoes ($400 shoes that I scored for $100).  The dress arrived and I tried it on.  There was a split in the front that hit the upper part of my thigh.  I had a meltdown.  I called the seller and in a nasty tone I said "I asked if you this dress had a split and you told me it didn't!  I have to attend a ball in a week and I can't wear this dress."  The seller apologized and offered to refund me the money.  All I could think was "where am I going to find a dress in less than a week."  True to form, I tried the dress on and took pictures in it with my leg sticking out (like the infamous Angelina Jolie picture).  I called my date to the ball and pulled the ultimate chaos move "I'm NOT going to go!"  To which he responded "okay...I'll go, show up and then come back to the room and we can go to dinner."  I sat there - shocked and stunned.  The best chaotic move I had (and had seen many people use before) didn't work.  I got mad.  I then complained that I had another dress I could wear but it was matronly.  He told me "I don't think that dress looks bad but if you aren't comfortable in it you don't have to go."  I hung up and sent the picture to my friends.  My friends didn't think it looked bad, one friend said "Heavens, you won't be standing like that.  No one will notice."  I was still not happy.  Another friend suggested alterations.  I had one word for that "DUH".  Yet I continued to spin and weave chaos.  "Alterations never work out.  How much will it cost?" and question after question arose.  I found a seamstress and drove to the shop.  Chaos had so consumed me - it took me 20 minutes to find the shop.  I was a bundle of nerves when I walked in.  As fate would have it, there was a soldier there and I asked him if he thought the dress was appropriate for a ball and he said "very appropriate and whoever's arm you will be on will be amazed."  Those words spoke volumes but moments after I left - chaos returned.  What if this man can't make the dress work?  I spent many hours in chaos over an alteration that turned out to be affordable and perfect.

I was then headed to Louisiana.  Considering my procrastination, my *need* to get the best price for airfare, I believed and felt that this was a well planned trip.  I bought my ticket in advance, packed perfectly and rested well.  I woke up at 4:30 a.m. the day of my flight and got ready to head to the airport.  I arrived at Atlanta Hartsfield Jackson airport at 5:30 a.m.  I waltzed in like I normally do and my mouth dropped.  The line for checking in was snaked around the corner.  This had never happened to me.  I always made it to the airport in time enough to check my bags and the lines were never this long.  Immediately, I thought "I'll never make my 7:00 a.m. flight."  My next thought as I stood in a line that didn't move until 6:15 was call United and complain.  I ran through every scenario in my head.  The small still voice inside me realized that if I didn't make the 7:00 a.m. flight nothing would happen.  I wasn't going to miss the event if I missed the flight but I was still frustrated.

Someone at United had a brilliant idea and called the people that had tickets for the 7:00 a.m. flight to the front of the line.  I checked in, dashed through security and onto the plane.  Took my seat and was off.    Interesting...problem solved without my help.

I arrived in Houston and found coffee as I made my connecting flight.  A message came in on my phone from my office.  My leasing director looking for something.  I went into a spasm - acting as if this was an all out emergency, I behaved as if the world was going to stop.  I called his cell phone, he didn't answer, I called his office he didn't answer, I called our admin - told her where the tickets were and then left him a message and sent him a text.  I'm on the phone to my significant other explaining to him how much of a train wreck my leasing director was.  I was spinning over baseball tickets that were easily accessible.

I arrived at my destination and had some time to rest.  I began to write in my journal...It became apparent to me how I thrived on chaos.  This is a typical syndrome for people raised in alcoholic homes.  If there is no chaos...I can create it.  I realized that this was an addiction.  I was addicted to chaos.  I created a chaotic situation out of something that was as simple as leaving my leasing director a message.  I spun this into an hour long event.  The only person spinning or caring about this was me.  I talked about it for at least an hour and spent even more time writing in my journal about it.

This was really eye opening.  I began working on getting to the bottom of why *I* created this event.  Everything was smooth, all was well.  I guess the realization of my office needs me YET they don't need me fueled my addiction.  I had explained to everyone and showed them where I kept the tickets.  Why did they call me?  They called me to help me create the chaos I needed.  I looked back on my life at all the chaos I created because I needed it.  I found the reason for creating the chaos buried in my childhood.

My Mother loved chaos and she still loves it.  She was also living in expectation - but not a good expectation.  She was waiting for the other shoe to drop and guess what...it often did.  A simple conversation with her turns chaotic.  You can't tell it is chaotic but it is.  Mentally there is must confusion.  There is triangulation.  There is defense and manipulation.  All of this creates chaos.  Chaos was all I ever knew.  This was the only way things got done.  Create a diversion of chaos and look busy.  Ignore the real problems and issues and focus on the chaotic moment.

I can now ask myself what can I do to avoid or not create chaos?  It's simple.  Breathe!  Take the time to watch and look at the situation.  I can tell within a few seconds if this requires action.  I can tell if I am creating chaos - my body betrays me, my mind betrays me.  The feeling I have during a chaotic episode zaps me and a few months ago I realized the rapid heartbeat, the flushed skin, the adrenaline pumping was not good for me.  I don't have to act.  I don't have to respond in that moment.  There is an old saying "Don't just do something...sit there!"  I know it sounds out but it works.  Take the moment to reflect.  To check in with yourself - how do you feel?  What do you feel?  Then proceed with love.

I would love to tell you that I "get" it all the time but I don't.  I have to employ the Watcher and step outside myself and my limited knowledge and trust the process.

What have I learned from all this?  Most importantly - trust the process.  There is always a Divine Out and it is always in front of us.  We just don't see it.  Secondly, I create my own chaos and as easily as I can create it - I can create a better situation that will serve me much better than chaos.  I learned that I am NOT my family of origin.  I can learn from them, respect them but create my own reality and life.  I learned that there is a better way...

Food for the soul

I wanted to share something that moved me today.  Most of us get to bogged down and worked up in our own dramas that we do not take time to stop, smell the roses, relish the fragrance and begin thinking from a fresh perspective.

I received an email from a local restaurant today.  I do not frequent this place as much as I used to (due to schedule demands and my location) but it has a soft spot in my heart.  A great co-worker told me about this place over seven years ago and I have watched this place grow in popularity, size and location. 

The restaurant owner is a phenomena – she is bubbly, fun, exciting, beautiful, loved, daring and just a great person.  She places a basket of daily thoughts and affirmations (all printed on vibrant colored paper) at the front of her restaurant.  There has not been a single time that I did not walk away with something that “spoke” to me.  Most of the times, I depart with a soul warming soup, sandwich/salad, cookie, piece of fruit, drink and tears in my contemplative eyes.  I would be exhilarated, I would smile and in that fleeting moment all was well.

Jenny challenges me to THINK, to meditate and above all to realize that we live in a powerful and friendly universe.  Another challenge is to take what we feel in a moment, any given moment, when we feel hope, joy, peace, love and we feel as if we can conquer the world and that all our dreams can and will come true.  The final challenge is to bring that feeling into existence ALL the time.

Going back to the first paragraph, it is so easy to allow ourselves to become downtrodden.  To wallow in our sorrows, to allow these feelings to shape us and make us someone that we are not.  We must remember – we are all children of a Higher Power/the God of our understanding and that means we are cared for, loved, protected and provided for.  We must only believe.

Jenny is a consummate chef – she feeds and nourishes the body, the mind, the soul and the spirit.

Namaste!