Sunday, June 3, 2012


In this journey of self discovery, I am learning to not place as many labels on things as I used too.  I was and am good at labeling.  Matter of fact, it used to be a game for me. As I was labeling other people, I was ignoring my own labels and issues.  As always, it is easier to point out the speck in someone else's eye and not notice the beam in yours.

As I continue to travel and assess myself, I am not always happy with what I see in myself but at least I see it.

I was invited to attend a military ball.  This was going to be my first ball and I wanted things to be perfect (okay...mistake 1).  I found the "perfect" dress.  I found the "perfect" shoes ($400 shoes that I scored for $100).  The dress arrived and I tried it on.  There was a split in the front that hit the upper part of my thigh.  I had a meltdown.  I called the seller and in a nasty tone I said "I asked if you this dress had a split and you told me it didn't!  I have to attend a ball in a week and I can't wear this dress."  The seller apologized and offered to refund me the money.  All I could think was "where am I going to find a dress in less than a week."  True to form, I tried the dress on and took pictures in it with my leg sticking out (like the infamous Angelina Jolie picture).  I called my date to the ball and pulled the ultimate chaos move "I'm NOT going to go!"  To which he responded "okay...I'll go, show up and then come back to the room and we can go to dinner."  I sat there - shocked and stunned.  The best chaotic move I had (and had seen many people use before) didn't work.  I got mad.  I then complained that I had another dress I could wear but it was matronly.  He told me "I don't think that dress looks bad but if you aren't comfortable in it you don't have to go."  I hung up and sent the picture to my friends.  My friends didn't think it looked bad, one friend said "Heavens, you won't be standing like that.  No one will notice."  I was still not happy.  Another friend suggested alterations.  I had one word for that "DUH".  Yet I continued to spin and weave chaos.  "Alterations never work out.  How much will it cost?" and question after question arose.  I found a seamstress and drove to the shop.  Chaos had so consumed me - it took me 20 minutes to find the shop.  I was a bundle of nerves when I walked in.  As fate would have it, there was a soldier there and I asked him if he thought the dress was appropriate for a ball and he said "very appropriate and whoever's arm you will be on will be amazed."  Those words spoke volumes but moments after I left - chaos returned.  What if this man can't make the dress work?  I spent many hours in chaos over an alteration that turned out to be affordable and perfect.

I was then headed to Louisiana.  Considering my procrastination, my *need* to get the best price for airfare, I believed and felt that this was a well planned trip.  I bought my ticket in advance, packed perfectly and rested well.  I woke up at 4:30 a.m. the day of my flight and got ready to head to the airport.  I arrived at Atlanta Hartsfield Jackson airport at 5:30 a.m.  I waltzed in like I normally do and my mouth dropped.  The line for checking in was snaked around the corner.  This had never happened to me.  I always made it to the airport in time enough to check my bags and the lines were never this long.  Immediately, I thought "I'll never make my 7:00 a.m. flight."  My next thought as I stood in a line that didn't move until 6:15 was call United and complain.  I ran through every scenario in my head.  The small still voice inside me realized that if I didn't make the 7:00 a.m. flight nothing would happen.  I wasn't going to miss the event if I missed the flight but I was still frustrated.

Someone at United had a brilliant idea and called the people that had tickets for the 7:00 a.m. flight to the front of the line.  I checked in, dashed through security and onto the plane.  Took my seat and was off.    Interesting...problem solved without my help.

I arrived in Houston and found coffee as I made my connecting flight.  A message came in on my phone from my office.  My leasing director looking for something.  I went into a spasm - acting as if this was an all out emergency, I behaved as if the world was going to stop.  I called his cell phone, he didn't answer, I called his office he didn't answer, I called our admin - told her where the tickets were and then left him a message and sent him a text.  I'm on the phone to my significant other explaining to him how much of a train wreck my leasing director was.  I was spinning over baseball tickets that were easily accessible.

I arrived at my destination and had some time to rest.  I began to write in my journal...It became apparent to me how I thrived on chaos.  This is a typical syndrome for people raised in alcoholic homes.  If there is no chaos...I can create it.  I realized that this was an addiction.  I was addicted to chaos.  I created a chaotic situation out of something that was as simple as leaving my leasing director a message.  I spun this into an hour long event.  The only person spinning or caring about this was me.  I talked about it for at least an hour and spent even more time writing in my journal about it.

This was really eye opening.  I began working on getting to the bottom of why *I* created this event.  Everything was smooth, all was well.  I guess the realization of my office needs me YET they don't need me fueled my addiction.  I had explained to everyone and showed them where I kept the tickets.  Why did they call me?  They called me to help me create the chaos I needed.  I looked back on my life at all the chaos I created because I needed it.  I found the reason for creating the chaos buried in my childhood.

My Mother loved chaos and she still loves it.  She was also living in expectation - but not a good expectation.  She was waiting for the other shoe to drop and guess often did.  A simple conversation with her turns chaotic.  You can't tell it is chaotic but it is.  Mentally there is must confusion.  There is triangulation.  There is defense and manipulation.  All of this creates chaos.  Chaos was all I ever knew.  This was the only way things got done.  Create a diversion of chaos and look busy.  Ignore the real problems and issues and focus on the chaotic moment.

I can now ask myself what can I do to avoid or not create chaos?  It's simple.  Breathe!  Take the time to watch and look at the situation.  I can tell within a few seconds if this requires action.  I can tell if I am creating chaos - my body betrays me, my mind betrays me.  The feeling I have during a chaotic episode zaps me and a few months ago I realized the rapid heartbeat, the flushed skin, the adrenaline pumping was not good for me.  I don't have to act.  I don't have to respond in that moment.  There is an old saying "Don't just do something...sit there!"  I know it sounds out but it works.  Take the moment to reflect.  To check in with yourself - how do you feel?  What do you feel?  Then proceed with love.

I would love to tell you that I "get" it all the time but I don't.  I have to employ the Watcher and step outside myself and my limited knowledge and trust the process.

What have I learned from all this?  Most importantly - trust the process.  There is always a Divine Out and it is always in front of us.  We just don't see it.  Secondly, I create my own chaos and as easily as I can create it - I can create a better situation that will serve me much better than chaos.  I learned that I am NOT my family of origin.  I can learn from them, respect them but create my own reality and life.  I learned that there is a better way...

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