Sunday, June 3, 2012


Oh my!  FEAR!  This is something I am intimately familiar with.  Many years ago, I enlisted the helpful of a wonderful life coach, Vedam Clementi.  I have known Vedam for years.  We used to attend his meditation center and services.  I was seeing a traditional counselor and just felt like I needed more (whatever that meant).  I talked to Vedam and made my appointment.  He had a questionnaire I needed to complete and I meticulously took my time to ensure I had all the "right" answers - after all, I didn't want him to think I was crazy!  I answered the last question this way "I am afraid of almost everything."  As we talked he said "This is a good answer"  and he pointed out that there are no absolutes.  I wasn't afraid of EVERYTHING.  I laughed at how Source/Spirit/God pulled this out of me even when I was trying to be "correct."

I've battled fear my entire life - afraid of butterflies, afraid of thunderstorms, afraid of lightening, afraid of the dark, afraid of ghosts, afraid of authority, afraid of too much sun, afraid of big trucks, afraid of people, afraid of what if, afraid of being wrong, afraid of being get it.  I carried this with me into adulthood and developed even more fears.  Even with all these fears I still managed to function.  As I look back in retrospect - that is all I was doing...functioning.  I possessed no joy, no passion, no love, no desire...nothing.  I was the walking wounded..the walking dead.  All I could feel was fear.

My fear involved more than just physical fear - it was emotional (fear of commitment, fear of feeling, fear of loving), spiritual (fear that God would punish me, fear that God's wrath would encompass me and punish me for something I did or didn't do), mentally (fear of illness, fear of remembering, fear of forgetting).  I was I functioned but it was all driven by fear.

I never really tried to figure out why I was so afraid until recently.  I started looking back at family and trying to analyze - my Mother who portrayed herself as a strong woman, my Father who was passive and kind, my Grandmother who had NO fear and my Grandfather who was strong and silent.

Many people say we chose our experiences and I wonder why I chose fear.  I plan on delving into figuring out why so much fear.

My Mother seems to be the most motivating thing I can come up with as far as wanting to know who I am.  I always viewed my Mother as strong.  She always appeared to take control and move forward.  It wasn't until several years ago that I realized her motivation was fear.  She was afraid if she didn't do it - it wouldn't get done.  She was afraid of what others thought.  Clearly - she was frightened.  Last year my friend and I were having dinner with my Mother and I proudly announced that my Mother had a minor in French.  I am sure you are thinking "so what?"  Well, my Mother is 85!  What black woman had a minor in French back then?  My best friend stopped in his tracks and said "so, what happened?"  I sat there dazed and my Mother made an excuse.  He then responded "Ma'am, no one minors in French and doesn't want to travel and explore the world."  My Mother stammered and I wondered.  What did my Mother really want to do?  What stopped her?  What happened?  My guess is a case of the fears.  It opened a whole new world to me.  I have yet to ask her what this is about but I surmise, my Mother is like me.  She will say that the minor was just something to do or that she doesn't know why or she may chose to ignore me - as she often does when the questions become to hard for her handle.

Fear is also one of my addictions and we will explore that in the coming weeks.

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