Sunday, April 7, 2013

Twelve step at a time

PLEASE NOTE:  This post was drafted in September 2012.  Things have really changed since then.

I've been in some form of 12 step program for four years.  CODA, ACA and Al-Anon.  I've worked the program.  I've read the literature.  These programs have helped me tremendously.

For the past two weeks, I've been assessing things.  Let's rehash my two weeks:

I sat in my space at work and thought - I'm sandwiched between two little boys.  They yell, they have rubber band fights, they throw rubber balls, they toss pens into the ceiling tiles and I'm tired.  I am responsible for every single legal document that leaves our office and I need to concentrate.  I was getting ready to send my Manager an email to ask for this office.  This office has been vacant five years.  Occasionally, someone will sit in it for a few hours (offsite staff) and we had an auditor use for a day four years ago.  As fate would have it...I chickened out and didn't ask. 

Monday I arrive to work to find my space flooded from a tenant leak.  I figured...okay God..what is it you are trying to say?  I presented my case and got the office or so I thought. 

I ended up having to move back to my old space.  I got a rather disturbing email from my Manager and I went into a spin.  I was hurt, offended and angry.

I wanted to cry!  I wanted to quit but I attended 12 step meetings and asked God what he was trying to tell me.  The answer didn't come quickly but over a course several weeks - I realized it was time for me to move on.

Change...that is a hard topic with difficult ramifications.  I hate change.  I'm a Virgo - I need and crave stability.  Even if it is bad stability...I need it.  My previous relationship, my previous job (for that matter every job I have ever had) - I stayed much longer than I should have and needed to.

Last Christmas, I took off two weeks and stayed home with my fiance.  We had a blast.  I returned to work and the situation was still the same.  I tried changing my approach, I let things go but I was still miserable.  I had been in communication with a recruiter and I called her and within  two weeks I interviewed.  I had two interviews in one week and then a meeting with the Managing Director.  I thought - how neat is this.  The Managing Director wants to talk to me.  We had a great conversation and before I returned to my office, I had a job offer.  I talked it over and took it.  Then...I had to put in my notice.  While I knew it was time for me leave - I was a nervous wreck.  Why?  This job, was familiar and I had feelings of over commitment. 

As with most things, I held off and held off and finally, a power stronger than me, propelled me into my Manager's office and I delivered my two weeks notice.  The words flowed effortlessly and I didn't feel anything other than relief. 

That was over three months ago!  I am in a new industry, doing new things, meeting new people and loving my job, my colleagues and my life.

A little letting all you need.

What's holding you back?

A Sunday Kind of Love

Sunday is my favorite day of the week.  I know that sounds odd as it is the start of the week and most of the world is faced with the sadness that tomorrow is the start of the work week and that we are leaving the weekend behind. 

For some odd reason, I woke up with a sense of accomplishment and renewal today.  I went through my closet (again) and pulled together items to freecycle and bless someone else with and items to sell on eBay.  As I lose weight...I am blessed to be able to benefit in more ways than one - releasing the weight and blessing someone with my things that are too big for me.

I have also noted that I am doing something I hated.  NESTING.  When I moved in with my fiance - I didn't know how to nest.  I was accustomed to living and working with what I had, what was given to me or what I was told to get/do.  He gave me free reign over this house and I've been here a little over two years.  I've been here with chipped plates, things that I didn't like, things that were here when I showed up,  etc.  I started giving away things and somethings just throwing away.  I found dishes and glasses and washcloths.  We were using washcloths from hotels that he/I had pilfered during our travels.  Funny hunh?

I went through the bathroom closet and got rid of half full bottles of stuff I didn't use and my cosmetics are next.  This clutter - these things that get pushed to the back, these things that no longer serve me...why do I still have them?

As I headed downstairs for my morning coffee...I packed some items up to be returned and spied my engagement ring.  Laying on a box that was on the floor.  The first thing that came to mind was appreciation.  I have taken a gorgeous ring and have placed it on top of box of clothes I no longer want and have packaged up to send to my Mom and it's on the floor.  I also noticed how I always tell people "I don't really like jewelry."  I just shook my head.  I am changing that thought right now.  Last weekend, my fiance and I went to the jeweler and had my charms put on my bracelet.  The jeweler asked me how I wanted my charms secured to the bracelet.  As he told me the various ways and the preferred way - I told him not to worry about soldering the jump rings and that I probably wouldn't wear the bracelet more than a few weeks and then toss it in my jewelry box.  He laughed and added them.  Later on that night, one of the charms fell off.  It was one from my previous relationship.  This charm was from Provincetown, MA and I realized - I no longer needed that charm.  It signified a time in my life that was over.  I released it from my charm bracelet and lovingly placed it in a box.  In time...I will sell it.  This gives rise to why do we (I) hold onto things that no longer serve me.  Quite a recurring them in my life...

These little things are thieves.  I am aware of the thieves in my life - spending too much time on the computer, not getting out of the house on a beautiful day to just look at the messages my Higher Power is giving me, excuses, narrow-mindedness and words that I don't mean (just yesterday, I saw a beautiful bathroom set - the cup and a holder - they were made of heavy glass and the colors of our Master Bathroom and as I admired them - the sales associate made a comment about them and I said (without thinking) "Oh these are nice BUT my fiance would break them."  After I said it...I shook my head...where did that come from.  ::sigh::  a thief!

So I am grateful for:

realization - again
the power within
a beautiful Sunday morning
my engagement ring
my fiance
being able to give
the delicious pound cake I made for my ladies lunch today
fresh strawberries
safe travels for my fiance
a great cup of coffee
for the many ways of communication between my fiance and I
smiles and lots of love
knowing that my Higher Power speaks to me through various channels
trusting and knowing that all is well
letting go

I am:

letting go/releasing all things that do not serve me
wealthy and prosperous in all my affairs
communicating my ideas and thoughts
joy personified

I choose:

to see the good in everyone
to not judge
to allow others to travel their own path
to meditate twice a day
to create loving and healthy meals
to live my dreams
to see things through
to realize that my life is magnificent
to be worry free
to let my Higher Power direct my life

Until next blessed and BE love!

Monday, April 1, 2013

Busy...we are all busy

I wish I had more time to blog...I work feverishly in my journal but I need to at least check in once a week here.

We are all busy - I pulled a one pager from Souper Jenny years ago and it said "stop saying you are busy.  We are all busy."  I thought that was neat.

I do need to blog because my life has been amazing...I quit my job, found a new job, am in school, spent a week at home creating, a week in Germany engaged.

I'm beaming...I am so happy.  I'm doing my best to not get overwhelmed with wedding plans.

Bear with me...I'm bound to spend time talking about my up and coming nuptials!

For now...bright blessings!