Sunday, April 7, 2013

Twelve step at a time

PLEASE NOTE:  This post was drafted in September 2012.  Things have really changed since then.

I've been in some form of 12 step program for four years.  CODA, ACA and Al-Anon.  I've worked the program.  I've read the literature.  These programs have helped me tremendously.

For the past two weeks, I've been assessing things.  Let's rehash my two weeks:

I sat in my space at work and thought - I'm sandwiched between two little boys.  They yell, they have rubber band fights, they throw rubber balls, they toss pens into the ceiling tiles and I'm tired.  I am responsible for every single legal document that leaves our office and I need to concentrate.  I was getting ready to send my Manager an email to ask for this office.  This office has been vacant five years.  Occasionally, someone will sit in it for a few hours (offsite staff) and we had an auditor use for a day four years ago.  As fate would have it...I chickened out and didn't ask. 

Monday I arrive to work to find my space flooded from a tenant leak.  I figured...okay God..what is it you are trying to say?  I presented my case and got the office or so I thought. 

I ended up having to move back to my old space.  I got a rather disturbing email from my Manager and I went into a spin.  I was hurt, offended and angry.

I wanted to cry!  I wanted to quit but I attended 12 step meetings and asked God what he was trying to tell me.  The answer didn't come quickly but over a course several weeks - I realized it was time for me to move on.

Change...that is a hard topic with difficult ramifications.  I hate change.  I'm a Virgo - I need and crave stability.  Even if it is bad stability...I need it.  My previous relationship, my previous job (for that matter every job I have ever had) - I stayed much longer than I should have and needed to.

Last Christmas, I took off two weeks and stayed home with my fiance.  We had a blast.  I returned to work and the situation was still the same.  I tried changing my approach, I let things go but I was still miserable.  I had been in communication with a recruiter and I called her and within  two weeks I interviewed.  I had two interviews in one week and then a meeting with the Managing Director.  I thought - how neat is this.  The Managing Director wants to talk to me.  We had a great conversation and before I returned to my office, I had a job offer.  I talked it over and took it.  Then...I had to put in my notice.  While I knew it was time for me leave - I was a nervous wreck.  Why?  This job, was familiar and I had feelings of over commitment. 

As with most things, I held off and held off and finally, a power stronger than me, propelled me into my Manager's office and I delivered my two weeks notice.  The words flowed effortlessly and I didn't feel anything other than relief. 

That was over three months ago!  I am in a new industry, doing new things, meeting new people and loving my job, my colleagues and my life.

A little letting all you need.

What's holding you back?

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